Did you all collectively groan when you saw the title of today’s blog? Yes vacuuming is not my favorite thing. In fact it is my least favorite chore in the world to have to complete. First of all it is noisy and it can leave you vulnerable to attack by humans, ghosts and or monsters from the ethereal plain. Second of all it is heavy and if it has great suction that fucking thing can get stuck to the stairs and you are standing there trying to turn it off while the machine is coming towards you at rapid speeds.
Let me explain….when I was a child my mother doled out chores to her children. My sister and I were to take care of household chores because we were using the “Little House on the Prairie” rules in our house. Girls do household chores and boys take care of the horses and farm, except we didn’t have horses and farm, so instead they had to take care of the trash. My brothers were older so they also had to babysit and boy babysitting involves a bike ramp and small children lying on the ground so that my brother can “Evil Kenevil” over them. *no small children were ever killed and only slightly injured during these daring stunts.
My chores were to fold the laundry, which I love doing. Dusting which is a hideous job but can be done while watching Luke and Laura’s wedding on General Hospital and vacuuming, which can’t be done while doing another thing besides praying for your fucking life. Not today Satan, not today!!!!
Vacuuming has been something that I have had to do in my adult life too. *Insert small breathy sobbing noises here!
I have had to vacuum my two bedroom apartment all on one floor. It was easy because there was no back breaking lifting the fucking two thousand pound vacuum up and down the stairs. I have had to vacuum the haunted house that we built in Massachusetts. I raced through that fucking place “Our Father who art in heaven…..” I had to vacuum our transition apartment when we moved to Pennsylvania, the floor that practical broke my son’s jaw.
And I have to vacuum my current home. *even though the snotty little kid in the neighborhood said I needed to do it more, you know what small child the process of vacuuming gives me anxiety, okay. I mean you can’t even hear people creep up on you. You are totally vulnerable because you can’t vacuum whilst holding a weapon because the equipment is soooo fucking heavy! So take your popsicle outside with the rest of the children and let it drip down your fucking arm out there if you don’t want dog hair to stick to you!!!!!
I have owned several vacuums in my lifetime and I will say this “THEY ARE NOT ALL CREATED EQUAL!” Some break within a month and you are like “Shit! All I did was suck up a bathrobe tie and then all of a sudden the fucking thing is smoking and it smells like that time I burned eggs. *I’ve only burned eggs the one time. That is not a smell you want to repeat.
Some give you massive anal leakage and hemorrhoids from lifting it up the stairs. Some vacuums do not get the small stuff you are trying to pick up like that God Forsaken craft sand that your mother in law gave to the kids as a gift. She is wonderful the sand is not it is related to glitter and glitter is for fucking life. Some vacuums don’t pick up the big things even though the commercial is showing you that it will suck up quarters, that is a euphemism for the money you wasted buying the Damn thing. It’s like sucking all of your swear jar change in one fell swoop and now you can’t go to Disney. I even have a vacuum that runs by itself. I call her Rosie and she is my best friend but she is needy and is constantly telling me that she needs the little tank emptied. I am like “Bitch there is not anything in here!” Then she is like I’m done and I look around the house and I remember what it was like when I asked my children to vacuum. One room is spotless, one room is half done, every other room has trails of where the vacuum has been passed through once. Are you kidding me Rosie this is your only fucking job.
Recently I was vacuuming and I put on my earphones while I vacuum and listen to music because younger me was wrong you can totally listen to music and dance with the vacuum cleaner whilst vacuuming up all of the pet dander and fur. I was upstairs twirling around and singing because I thought that I was alone in the house. *not that I need to be alone in the house to sing….but I was doing my biggest singing and not at all using my demure stage voice. When someone taps me on my shoulder *in the few minutes it took me to turn around my brain put together this summation of what I was about to face. It’s a murdering ghost demon that is here for your soul and also it wants to leave your bloody corpse behind and there is no way for you to protect yourself, you should holler as loud as you can to alert your husband who is outside on his lawnmower to attract his attention, not that he could save you but so that he can join you in your demise because that mother fucker said to death do us part and he is not getting off that fucking easy!!!! When I scream I see my husband there with his hands up to prove that he is not some trickster demon coming in all innocent like my husband to then unhinge his jaw and eat my fucking face off! He is laughing and I turn the vacuum cleaner off and take my earphones off and I look at him like “Why are you interrupting my show? Are you fucking dying? Is there an ice cream truck *which is actually pronounced “Ding Dong Truck” what is the emergency? Because honestly these are the only two reasons I can think of for anyone to interrupt me while I am vacuuming and in my zone.
“Did you order something huge from amazon?” He asks me *he is usually the one who shops amazon for every need he has.
“Oh it’s my lanterns!” I announce. So here is a funny thing about me, I have bought things from amazon without checking the size of things. I have bought little tiny lanterns that looked huge in the picture and then when they came in were only five inches tall, and I bought enormous matches to light my candle so that I don’t burn my fingers except these particular matches actually take two people to light….so I am not great when it comes to knowing what exactly it is that I am buying. So now my husband is looking at me thinking that I have purchased some cartoonishly large lanterns for the deck. But its not that it is that I bought a large quantity of them because…..well let’s just say because and leave it at that.
“Why are there so many?” he asks as we open the box.
“Because I didn’t know how large they were going to be and if they were super small like the last time I was going to use them a different way.”
“Becki, they have a way to check the size before you buy them! You don’t have to be surprised every fucking time you get something in the mail.”
“But sometimes I am surprised, so I bought more of them!” I say and I smile and he just shakes his head and goes back outside to finish his yard work *because we sort of do the whole “Little House on the Prairie” rules at my house too, but they aren’t law at our house because I have mowed the lawn and my husband has vacuumed. Honestly I would much prefer Mowing the lawn than vacuuming. First of all it’s a riding lawn mower and its basically a go-kart and it too is loud so I listen to music and dance drive while using it….but it is also a weapon and that murdering ghost demon does not stand a chance against me on a lawn mowing go-kart because I will run his ass down. I will mulch his nefarious presence and carry on with my day. But instead I have to go back to my vacuuming and what the hell can I do with that stupid contraption? Suck him up in it? Then I have to lean over and empty him out of the canister and take the risk of being possessed. I mean this isn’t “Ghostbusters” I don’t have a plasma container to seal him up in. That is why they come after you when you are vacuuming! They are looking to kill or possess or the third and even worst option both. That’s where zombies come from…I am not about to be a zombie because those things do not look great.
Moral of my story if you are vacuuming remember you can suck the murderous ghost demon up with your machine but you will have to immediately throw the fucking thing out because if you empty the bin into the trash you will get possessed. Also not all vacuums are created equal get one with a plasma container and start driving a hearse because one day you will be needed to save the world. Also if you have both sons and daughters, guess what, they are equal and you can give them equal chores, no more “Little House on the Prairie” rules because you want your children prepared to handle any situation on their own. And when purchasing anything online check the measurements because you don’t want to be surprised by the cartoonish sized thing in your backyard. Unless you are like me and find it hilarious.
Until next time 🙂