adult black and white darkness face
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My personal story on these two topics is something that I try to joke about. I try to be light-hearted and then I close doors and I cry deeply and soundlessly. I try to not measure myself by my mistakes and failures, but try as I might sometimes it is all that I can see and believe of myself. This isn’t what this blog is about. This blog is about funny and joking and laughing and what the fuck Becki you are going to drag us all down with your own self loathing? Why? We don’t need it.

That’s right! We All don’t need it. We don’t need to gauge ourselves by how many mistakes we make. We don’t need to sit back and ask ourselves why we are so stupid to make these failures. So then what? I am no expert, I mean I do study psychology and I hope to one day be in that field, but I am no expert. All I can say is that when I write down on paper all of my mistakes, I have a list. That list can grow and grow and so won’t my heartache and tireless self-hatred. My insecurities get bigger and I hope that when I am with people they will like me. But truth be told, I am not looking for their approval nor am I looking for mine, because I have said before I am looking for my failure. If you look for failure you will find it. We are not meant to be perfect. We are not meant to be without mistakes. We are meant to be human. We are meant to lean on God.

Now the challenge I give to myself, and hopefully to all of you, is for today, look for your success and your good qualities. Once you begin to make this list you will find a new way of looking at yourself. Not only that, you will begin to do things to add to your list. You will open doors for people with their arms full of groceries or children. You will give a penny, quarter or dime to the person in front of you at the checkout. You will start to understand what it is like to be confident in your actions. Sure, you will not stop making mistakes, but you will start to measure those in a healthier way. You will be putting mistakes on the “oopsy daisy list” instead of “Oh God How Fucking Stupid Could You Possibly BE list”. Also maybe change the name of your mistake list. Because I am going to be honest the “Becki you Fucking Moron list” is really hard to walk away with a good self-esteem.

I was never really happy when I only looked at my bad qualities. Those qualities mad me feel less of a person. I hated that list of failures. I hated myself for making them. I sat and tried to play them over and over again so that I could somehow learn from them and change. *changing the past without a time machine is impossible

When I balance that out with my success, I see that sometimes my mistakes are not so bad. They are livable. They are non perfect and that is okay. Sometimes my failures are not even failures or mistakes at all, they are just occurrences that are reminding me to slow down and be present. Sure I may say something flippant and curt to my loved ones. Sure I may forget a word that is easy to remember and I stand there in silence as people are trying to help me find it. But without these moments, I wouldn’t get the opportunity to say I’m sorry that was out of line. I will do better. I am humbly flawed and that is how I was made to be. I wouldn’t get the opportunity of the comradery of searching for Becki’s missing word. *It’s usually an ordinary word like fork and instead I say something like pokey eaty thing! I mean even Ariel, the little mermaid, had a hard time with this one, but she also used it to comb her hair so she clearly wasn’t an expert.

I was also made to be loving, kind, funny and at times sure inappropriate. I was made to be quirky and comfortable for others to be around. I was made to be a mother who reminds kids that they don’t have to be perfect to be loved. I am giving and thoughtful. I love to sing, dance, read, cook and to laugh. Boy do I love to laugh. I love to be with my husband and my children doing absolutely nothing but enjoying them being there.

We all make mistakes. As I tell my kids “You are going to make mistakes and you are the only one who has to answer for those mistakes. So make the mistakes that you can face yourself in the morning.” Mistakes are personal and they belong to no one but you. My mistakes do not get to hold me hostage. They do not get to suck the life out of me. I am not doing anything so terrible that I have to weigh myself down with this anchor of doom. I can apologize and I can ask for forgiveness but then I have to move on.

Moral of my story: Life is a balancing act. It is all about doing our best and sometimes falling short. What we do with our mistakes is how we learn and grow. But we must remind ourselves that we aren’t all bad. If you make your lists and you find out you are all bad with no redeeming qualities maybe seek some help. There are plenty of people out there who are willing to help, that is their job. Therapy is something that is going to be helpful and can even be enjoyable. So, What are you waiting for? Go make those good people lists and see how good it can make you feel.

Until next time 🙂

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