Now that we have gotten to know each other, and like most people I meet in person I have been doing all of the talking and I haven’t learned anything about you at all, I think it is safe to say that I have a favorite curse word. It is NOT the word that you are thinking it is. It is not the f word. That was just the most adaptable word into speech. The f word s versatile in language and therefore the most useful. The f word is the word you kind of ease into it as a kid.

Easing into the f word as a kid looks a little bit like this: “Oh sugar!” then you wait to see if that gets a rise out of your parents and when that is deemed okay you move on.

“Fiddlesticks!” is a bit more daring and makes your mother’s eyes dart at you.

“Fudging A!” is one that is daring enough to get you punished. *side note as a kid I wanted to open a fudge shop and call it Fudging A selling grade A Fudge. TM don’t be stealing my good ideas guys.

“You Friggin jerk!” which I also would mix together with “Fricken jerk” because I didn’t know which one it was. Both got me in trouble.

“Fooken!” I have tried fooken. Which is the equivalent of sticking your big toe in to see if hell was going to be too hot for you. By the taste of the Zest bar being scraped by my teeth, I would say “yes, hell is going to be too hot for me!”

Finally I have graduated from high school at seventeen and am an adult and could say “Fuck” but not around my mother because she would still grab a bar of soap.

But, to your surprise, fuck is NOT my favorite curse word. My favorite curse word is a bit old-fashioned and I fucking love it. Here it is folks my favorite curse word is:

TOUCH HOLE!

I love this curse word. Because what even is a touch hole. Is it the pooper? Is it your pee hole? Where is the touch hole? My dad would use this curse word when I was a child and I had forgotten about it for a very long time. Then one day I was driving with my kids in the car and some person pulls out in front of me and I almost hit him and I started to rant with all of my road rage that I also got from my father and when I was about to call the guy an asshole I remembered that my little cherubs were in the car. So instead I yelled out “You Blazing Touch Hole!”

Which surprised me for a step because that just came from the recesses of my mind. Where have I been hiding this fantastic word and why? Holy goodness I love this word. It makes me smile. Say it with me “Touch Hole” can you say it without cracking a smile? I can’t.

Also, what ever hole the touch hole is, if it is blazing it may need ointment or cream. This word became my ultimate favorite curse word and I try to not use it until I absolutely have to.

For instance when I am trying to diffuse the tension in a steamy argument with the hubs. I will say touch hole and it catches him off guard and makes him laugh. It is magical like that. I swear guys just yell out “You Touch Hole!” the next time you are in a bitter argument and trust it will get some laughs.

So basically touch hole has become somewhat of a safe word in my marriage and my husband never says it because he isn’t clever or quick or maybe he thinks it’s just stupid. Also I may or may not have told him that he can’t use it. That is my curse word. It’s my favorite and his lips will never taste the sweetness of “Touch Hole” as it exits his mouth.

Well the other night we were having a discussion, not an argument, because we have had couples counseling. If you have been to couples counseling it makes you better at communication. You get to use “I” statements. Such as “I feel as if you are going to do laundry, I suggest that you learn how!” he has shrunk many sweaters.

So anyway, he and I were telling each other what we feel when I said to him “Look, I’m not trying to be a touch hole about this.”

This is usually a good clue that my funny childish side is coming out and that my ADHD has set in and I have lost track of the argument, so my husband starts to laugh.

*you know when you are angry and all super serious and you say something and the other person laughs and you think that they have no other choice but to leave.

That!!!!

To be fair touch hole had always been used for this purpose. I, however, did not intend it for this purpose. I meant “Hey I don’t mean to be an asshole but never fucking do this thing again. Okay?” but using “I” statements and not telling him what to do Like a mature adult.

He heard “I don’t mean to fight, discussion, you. Let’s make up! I’m not even that serious about this topic anyway!”

Wrong!!!!!!!!!

He was so wrong. I literally went over to the computer and looked up dog houses for a hot half hour. Which is stupid because I don’t even know how I would enforce that. Also it’s a saying but has any husband ever had to sleep in a dog house? I mean it is a saying. I have heard of sleep on the couch and on tv the couch is a pull out bed and I am like that is a punishment because pull out couch beds are eighty percent bars going across your back , ten percent flimsy mattress and ten percent where is that blinking light coming from? But “You must sleep in the dog house”, is like some level up shit! You are no longer worthy of inside or the comforts of human habitats. I mean even the dog doesn’t LIVE in the dog house. My dogs live in with me and go in and out twenty times an hour. I don’t have a dog house for them because they have mine. The only time I remember having a dog house was when we were little and I found my frozen dead cat in there. So I know that it isn’t a great protection against the elements. But that is where I was when my husband heard my safe word and he thought I was joking. Shame on me, perhaps, but my husband has a new respect for the word touch hole. Or maybe a new respect for shrinkable fabrics. I am not sure.

Moral of my story: When arguing with your spouse use I statements to turn it into a discussion. Also if you are going to use a word to lighten the brevity of the moment, don’t change the rules. Also Please, if you know why “I’m in the dog house tonight!” became a thing, could you tell me the history on this because I would really like to know. Also if you know which hole is the touch hole please tell me this too. If you having a blazing touch hole ask your doctor if “fill in pharmaceutical name here” is right for you.

Until next time 🙂