I just got back from a business trip with my husband to Vegas. My husband goes to conferences and trade shows and on occasion I am allowed to go. I think it is how I behave at these shows that determines whether or not I am invited to another one. On these trips the majority of the people I meet are customers and peers of my husband. I used to be on my very best behavior because I didn’t want to embarrass him. However, I am finding out by my own personal growth and determining  my own value that having someone like me at these stuffy affairs is valuable. They need someone to liven things up a bit. That is the role I play. I am a “laugh at a funeral” type of person.

Not on this last trip, but a few years back, there was a hospitality party that we went to. My husband had to work the event and I was left to wander around by myself. There was a young girl dressed like Marie Antoinette with part of her skirt in the front that was actually a table with glasses of champagne on them. You literally had to reach out at her skirt region to grab a glass of bubbly. I stood there and watched as these grown men, typical beer drinkers, would go in all smiles and grab at this poor girl’s “Skirt Area”. There I was trying to behave and finding myself bored out of my mind, with nothing to do. I walk over to the young miss I reach out and grab a glass and I say loudly, while all of these men were standing around to watch the girl on girl skirt grabbing action, “Excuse me Miss, Is this from the Cooter Region?” My husband sees me and then hears me and he jauntily sprints over and says “She means Cotes Du Rhone, the Cotes du Rhone region.” as all of the people around were roaring with laughter at my joke. I leaned in to my husband and I said “No I mean cooter because who made that stupid skirt table in the first place.”  He shakes his head and says “you need to behave.” I mean he hissed this.

Ugh! Do I have to though, because I made everyone laugh and if I am going to get high on something it is having an audience. These trade shows come with an attentive audience filled with bored and drunk men. It’s my wheelhouse right here. Inappropriate one-liners are my go to and I have nothing else to do.

Now back to the trade show in Vegas. On two separate occasions we went out to dinner. I spent the days cooped up in my hotel room studying for my finals, so by the time we were out to dinner, I was looking for some entertainment. Or to be the entertainment which is my all time favorite thing in the world. There we are sitting and politely talking about business, but then my husband had to pee. The first time he came back he saw the men at the table laughing and wiping their eyes and he rushed over with concern on his face. “Do you think she takes coupons?” I ask. “Maybe she is the inventor of the groupon.” My husband tries to act like he is amused all the while giving me some serious side-eye. The other attendees at our dinner say “Your wife is hilarious. That woman at the bar we have deduced to being a working girl and your wife was wondering if she takes coupons.” the laughter sparks up and my husband chuckles a bit. He thinks I’m funny but not ruin his career funny.

The next dinner the guys were a little more drunk than the first batch and there I am drinking my water. I wait until my husband heads off to the “head” as he calls it and it is as if a spot light turns on me. I’m sitting there basking in the glow of my imaginary spotlight. But as I am doing my set I hardly know the progression of things until he comes back and I usually can tell I’ve gone too far by the glare he gives me. This time when he came back I was saying “My safe word is” *insert choking sound “Because you never know if you’re going to be able to speak!” Everyone is laughing and my husband looks at me and I now know this is too far. I know that I am in trouble and that he is going to insist on taking me on potty breaks from now on. We get in the room at the hotel before he says “What the hell was that, Becki?”

I look at him perplexed mostly because I know what he’s talking about, it’s just I don’t want to talk about it. “I don’t know, it seemed relevant to the conversation.”

“How?”

Ugh, like now I have to be specific? “I don’t fucking know, the conversation got away from me.” I say.

“How?”

“I don’t know, they asked me what I do for fun?”

“And you ended up talking about a fucking safe word?” he glares at me. “A Safe word? What do you do for fun, little lady? My safe word is a choking sound? Is that how it went?”

“No! I didn’t start that with that part. I said that I go for walks and I am taking some classes online. Then….” I try to run the conversation in my head and seriously how did we end up talking about safe words any how?

“You do realize that I have to work with these people, Becki.”

Not a scolding! Anything but a scolding. I nod my head.

“But, I was just trying to make them laugh.” I smile and I say “And it worked. They thought I was hilarious.” I grin.

“That’s not the point.”

“You laugh with them.” I point out.

“Becki, you just take things too far.”

“But that’s the funny part, I am little and feminine and they don’t expect it, it’s the whole package that makes them laugh.”

The next day my husband comes in and says “Everyone said they had a great time with you last night. They were all talking about how funny you were.”

I’m ready for my comedy act to go on tour. See my funny and over the top conversation is exactly what these poor guys need at these conferences. I am like a tiny drink of water that they didn’t even ask for but probably needed because Vegas is dry AF and the smokey air burns your eyes. I mean I know you are allowed to smoke in the casinos but you don’t have to. It’s not like it’s a requirement.

Also I won like a hundred bucks there the first five minutes we were there. Our room wasn’t ready when we got there so we had to wait. We sat down and had some water to replenish because I was down about a quart already. My husband put twenty bucks into the machine and says why don’t you play a game. I won forty dollars on my first twenty and I cashed out immediately. My husband comes back from his phone call and he says “Done already? It doesn’t take much to lose on these things.”

“I won. I was up and so I cashed out.”

“Put it back in and see if you win again.”

“Not with this though. These are my winnings. I need a new twenty because I don’t want to lose my winnings. That’s how they get ya.”

“That’s most definitely not how they get you. You would lose twenty bucks and that’s all.”

“Now it is sixty and I am not losing sixty on this stupid video game. I need another twenty bucks.” I should point out that I got a new purse for my trip and it fits everything I need in it but if I put my big clunky inhaler in there, I can’t also carry cash. So I have no money in it.

I put the next twenty bucks in and I won again. This time I was up to ninety-eight dollars. I cashed out again.

My husband looks at me and says “What are you doing? You just got started, let it ride.”

“Nope, let’s go cash out.” I get my winnings in my purse and make my husband carry my inhaler because that’s my money now and I have been hoarding it ever since. I am so proud of myself. I am the worst, most nervous, gambler there is. Who knows how much I could have won, but my luck was about to change and I was not going to let the casino take my hard-earned winnings.

You definitely need an inhaler in Vegas though because the air smells like stale beer, stale cigarettes and stale dreamss. That shit will cause an asthma attack even on a healthy person.

Now I am home and so glad except I am still on Vegas time and can’t get up at an appropriate morning time. This morning it was almost nine when I dragged myself out of bed. My dog was crossing her legs and whining. But I am getting there. I should be studying for my last final but I missed you guys. I didn’t want you all to forget about me. Plus I wanted to tell you all about my trip and my comedy show success. They should really consider hiring me to work these damn things, I’m a treasure.

Until next time!