Even writing that made me puke a bit in my mouth. You see I don’t think of myself as a middle-aged woman, I think of myself as a young childlike little ageless sprite, because I’m me and I always put a positive spin on everything. Unless I hate something, then that’s complete bullshit and has no place in this world. Which is what aging is soon becoming to me. I know, I know we need to embrace our age and become the wise women that others seek out for council. I think it’s clear that I’m not that kind of woman!
When I had my first child she had to go to the eye doctor because she couldn’t see anything. Okay that’s another story soon to come. Needless to say I thought she was an imaginative child, she was Not, she just couldn’t see. Now back to me. I decided that I should also get my eyes checked, and yes I had astigmatism and needed glasses. I was nearsighted meaning that I only needed my glasses for distance. I would wear them if I was going to be in the dark and without other people around me, like if I was driving or in the movie theater…but not the movie theater because that was public, but in my house watching tv sometimes. Well now I can’t even! Like I cannot fucking see at ALL. I have to wear my glasses out places where everyone can see me in them. I get compliments and shit, but I look old and I know it. But who cares whatever!
So I love to read, as you all know! The problem now faced before me is that when I read books, actual books (which I love because my kindle ran out of batteries at the most crucial part in the story, stupid kindle) and I tried to scroll in to see better, in a paper book, which didn’t work obviously. Which had a double whammy because first you don’t feel smart when you do something like that and second What the fuck is happening to my eyeballs? I mean, not being able to see far away is bad enough, but now I am not just nearsighted I’m no sighted. I mean I can make out blobs and things and sure I can still read without glasses but I squint and that’s not great for my crow’s-feet, Ugh! You see someone told me that having kids makes you young…and I was like well I was a young mom so I have an edge on all y’all! I have been an empty-nester for four months and I now need bifocals. Hurry someone get me some kids stat. Snow White’s stepmom is beginning to make sense to me now. Ugh I am relating to the bad guy in a horror movie now, thanks middle-aged!
So now I have to make an eye appointment and probably have to get bifocals or lasik and you know what? That’s bullshit. Why aren’t our eyes made to last longer? Maybe all of that reading put extra mileage on my eyes. If I had known this I would have rested them more. I wouldn’t have looked at things I had no interest in out of curiosity. Like that book with the deformities, that fucking thing gave me nightmares for weeks. I would have treated my eyes better. Eyes are the windows to the soul and like my actual windows in my house (the contractor put in some sketchy, now out of business windows that have now begun to grow mold in the middle of the panes of glass. I really should have those replaced now that I’m thinking of it) are cloudy and you can’t see the beauty within.
You see if I am going to be living for another forty-odd years I am going to need to see. I can’t live without books. I love learning. I love being able to see and I know that this seems very selfish of me because there are people out there who are actually blind. I will say this, those people are strong and courageous. Those people are heroic. I don’t have that in me. I don’t have that inner-strength that it takes to be handi-capable. I don’t even have it in me to be middle-aged, ugh please no! I want to be a young ageless sprite that people feel comfortable with and also that makes them laugh. Laughter is the best sound I have ever heard….Oh Crap my hearing isn’t going to go too is it?
I better go lie down!
Moral of my story, you’re only as old as you feel and when you can’t see you feel pretty God damned old. Nothing about the word ‘bifocals’ says young and vibrant. Its ok I have other things going for me and I will focus on that. I live a very blessed life. I live a very blessed life. I live a very blessed life. Now head between your knees and breathe.
Until next time. 🙂