So whether you are a glass is half full or half empty type of person Probably benign could mean one of two things (You don’t have cancer yet and probably won’t so don’t worry about the complex cyst in your breast!) or (You probably have cancer and are going to die!) I mean the second one is more of a glass is fucking empty scenario but you get my drift. I alternate these two states of mind just to keep myself on edge.

Today I had a follow-up with my surgeon and she is actually really great. I wouldn’t trust my magnificent boobs to anyone else. I really trust her immensely. Today I got up and my appointment wasn’t until 10:45am which is practically 11:00am and that is basically noon, except when you are running the math in your head this way, “You are going to be late, BECKI!” I was sitting and enjoying my handcrafted caramel macchiato that I made in my own home with my own hands, which tastes just as good as Starbucks, but not as good because I had to make it myself, I looked at the clock and I was like it is 7:30am and I have until 9:00am until I have to even think about getting ready for my appointment. I watched clips from Seth Meyer’s show and before I knew it, the fucking bitch of a clock is like “YO! Dumbass its quarter after 9, Y’all might want to think about showering soon.”

I jumped in the shower and because I can shower and stress at the same time, I multitasked with anxiety of what to wear to my appointment and washed my hair. So when you go to the boob doctor you’re only going to be wearing pants with your melons hanging out. However, you have to take your shirt off and you don’t want a shirt that you have to pull over your head to mess up your hair, so that means a button up and well my boobs and button ups have a love hate relationship. For the most part the button up is big on me everywhere except the second and third button over my breast. These buttons strain to hold down the fort and my boobs are apparently destined to be free. But away I go with my buttons straining because I am not going to be wearing this shirt in the appointment anyway. So I get in my car and I start driving. I then have a mild anxiety attack and am thinking shit I can’t remember how to get there. I go to pull it up on my GPS and that little jerk (her name is Helga, you must always name your GPS because you will need to yell at her and you must use her full name, so Helga Von Voyage for those of you who must know her full name) Helga has no memory of ever going here, or anywhere else in her life, her memory has been wiped clean. This is the second time this has happened. My husband had to reset her to factory setting and it is all coming back to me as I am driving Probably the speed limit if the speed limit is 75. So I am now hoping for a red light so that I can pull up the address on my cell phone. I get my phone to pull it up and now technology really is not my friend because it is asking me to update my app…No thank you! I get a green light and I put my phone down. I stop at a red light and I try my phone again. Light was fast. I then decide that I generally know where I am going so I head in that direction hoping that my memory is better than Helga’s is. I finally get to a red light and pull my maps up on my phone the only problem is that my bluetooth is on and there is no sound coming out of my iPhone and I haven’t named it yet and now I have no one to yell at. So I yell at Helga some more because where is she when I need her the most. Finally I get a chance to turn off the bluetooth and magically the sound of directions in a soothing voice begins. Thank My Lord and Savior. Finally something is going right.

I get to my doctor’s office via a new and quicker and much better way, thanks to my iPhone that has not been named yet, but she definitely deserves a name because she is a genius. I am in the elevator and I am trying to remember what floor I go to and some lady is trying to talk to me about my book that I am carrying and I am like “Shhhhh! I am trying to find my boob doctor!” and then I realize that it wasn’t in my head. I smile at her and said “I’m sorry, it’s John Grisham, I just bought it. I think you would enjoy it.”

She wants none of my bullshit now and I don’t blame her. I’m sorry lady I’m having a….bing my floor time to get off the elevator in which I pushed all of the buttons in because I didn’t know which floor I was going to need so I chose all of them. I get off like some eccentric busty lady and head off to the end of the hallway. I walk in and they smile at me. “Hello Rebecca, fill out the paper about how you are feeling and then we will take you back.”

I feel great and  the paperwork was simple because there is nothing to report. In the breast surgeon’s office there are older women and me all sitting there and they have this “pity” look on their faces for me. Oh no ladies I am probably benign! I want to tell them but they call me back first. I sit down and they take my blood pressure and my weight. It was just Thanksgiving and well I am not even sure that damn scale was measuring weight or turkey but either way I have too much of it. Next I am told to take off everything from the top and put on the gown facing the front. It’s the right size for me thank goodness because I wore that huge one for my mammogram and ultrasound. Now I wait and read. My doctor comes in and immediately she and I start talking like old friends. We talk about the kids and the holidays. She and I have been through so much together and she feels me up because that is the reason I am there. Then we look at the ultrasound pictures.

When your doctor starts talking out loud about her plan as if you are not in the room it is a little unnerving. My doctor is not usually this distracted and so I get a little shaken. I do something that my old me would never do, I ask her a question. “Is everything okay?”

She turns and she smiles her beautiful warm smile and she says “Yes, You see here, this is the one that worries me the most and let me tell you why.” She starts to tell me that it is where the old cyst was and it is deeper and has debris and she just wants to get a better look at it. Also I was last there with one complicated cyst and that one seemed to have resolved and now there is two complicated cysts to look at. I go in January for another ultrasound and she wants me to come back in six months after yet another set of imaging done in July. If there is anything at all that comes up she wants me in her office immediately. Also if she doesn’t like the results of the ultrasound and mammograms she will send me in for another MRI. She tells me that she likes having the MRI as a plan C. So now I leave her office with all of my paperwork and the plan to be back there in the summer. Before I leave she says “Don’t worry about this, let me worry about it, that’s my job!” That’s why I love her. She is great and I know that she is going to do everything in her power to relieve my anxiety over this. As I drove home, which was incredibly easy to find my way after my stress level went down, I thought about things. What it means to be doing this still. Honestly the last time I was there she and I thought I wouldn’t be back in her office. The fact that I am going back again in six months is both comforting and alarming.

Probably benign is just that, a wait and see diagnosis. I thought about why God would have me in such a situation and I am pointed to my impetuous personality. Patience is something that I work on daily. Waiting on Jesus is not my strong suit and yet it is the state I often find myself in. Trusting the Lord to hold my hand through it all is a little easier but do I need him to hold it? The answer is yes. He has this and me and all of us in his mighty hands and I never have to worry. Because when my doctor says, don’t worry about this let me worry for you that’s my job, that to me is God speaking through her. As sure I am that my doctor will worry so will my God work through her worry too.

Whatever is growing in my breast whether it be a cyst, a lesion, a mass or all of the above, I trust that God will be there to guide me, my doctor and my family through it all. My appointment is made for January and like I said a few months back, they give me results before I leave to reduce anxiety, I am thankful for that. Thank you all for being with me on my journey. If you are going through your own please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I have been doing this little dance for twenty years now. Sure I have anxiety, but mostly I have peace in knowing that I have little control in the outcome, but I have a great doctor and my creator on my side, what more could I ask for.

Until next time 🙂