Today, as I was showering, I was thinking “What a luxurious experience showering is now!” I had three kids and let me tell you that if anything is going to happen it is probably going to happen while you are in the shower. It starts out when they are babies.

As a young mom to a baby I would get the baby down for a nap and think “Oh great maybe I’ll take a shower now.” I know I am supposed to sleep when the baby is sleeping but a shower is necessary at this point. “what smells like baby puke, sweat and sadness?” *sniffs my shirt, “Oh for fuck’s sake it is me!”

I climb into the shower and I know that it is a race against the clock. So I start lathering everything up. I grab the razor I shave and I hear the baby winding up to cry. I am a new mom and I don’t actually know that babies cry without being stabbed, so I rush out of the shower. OOPS! I still have soap in my hair. What do I do? I do the only logical thing I can think of and grab the baby and jump back in the shower with her. Here’s the thing…is there anything more slippery than a wet human baby? I don’t think so. I am trying to rinse my hair, keep the soap out of my and my baby’s eyes. I am also holding the child in a death grip so that she doesn’t slip. Finishing shaving is not goint to happen but hey maybe I can start a nice trend. My underarm hair looks like ZZ Top and that’s going to have to be okay!

When the child is a little older, and they have never seen the movie “Psycho” clearly. I am in the shower thinking my toddler is asleep. I have my eyes close trying to rinse my hair when I hear the shower door open. My eyes spring open thinking I am going to see a horrifying sight and yes, there it is. Naked toddler believing that this is a shower for two. I get out of the shower and look at my work. Yup, one shaved leg and zero shaved armpits. I have options now. Which leg will my husband get tonight? Who am I kidding I am giving him the prickly one because I need my sleep and he can try rocking the baby at three in the morning for a change. Yes my leg hair is a weapon! Don’t judge me. He sometimes gets the smooth one. I am not all bad.

I now have more than one child. I am in the shower and believing in my mom skills for clearly, no apparent reason. I hear breathing and look out there is my three-year old naked and trying to get her baby brother’s clothes off. UMMMM? Excuse me. I am not trying to have a showering circus right now. I don’t need two slippery kids in my shower, but I also don’t know how to put an end to it. Why? Why do y’all want to shower with me? It’s bad enough that I shower with an entire tub full of toys because I am lazy and in a hurry. Now I have to share the already too small space with the kids that belong to those toys. But “Come on in”,  because I need to get clean.

Children are older and the last thing that want to do is shower with their mother. I am in the shower and this is when the children are desperate for answers. It always starts the same. “Mom! Mom! Mom!”

“In the shower!” I say to deter the conversation from happening.

Door opens anyway “Mom!”

“What?” I say through tears and frustration.

“whispers something incoherent so that I get super annoyed with them. is it too late to take birth control for this?”

“I didn’t hear you! What?”

“inaudible words to really piss me off and to catch me off-guard to agree to something i wouldn’t normally allow!”

I stick my head out of the shower and ask again “What? What do you want?”

“Never mind I will just wait until you are out of the shower.”

Really? Now you see that it is a bad time to talk?

Three kids later….”Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, MOM!”

Door is locked because I can.

The youngest is a clever little shit and gets the key and unlocks the door.

“Mom, they are downstairs and saying bad words.”

*I’m about to say some bad words.

Husband is home. It is mother’s day. I am in the showering “Mom, Mom,”

“Can I have a lollipop?”

“Where is your father?”

“I don’t know!”

“Go find him and ask him.”

A few minutes later “He said to ask you.”

“Yes, you can have a lollipop, but tell dad he can’t!”

Showering as a mother is such a funny experience. I don’t know what it is about being in the shower that makes us so desirable or needed. But we sure are.

Moral of my story: Human babies are the slipperiest things on the planet. Mothers need to shower too, but sometimes it doesn’t go as planned. You may share your shower with some slippery kids. You may have to shower in installments. You may have to settle disagreements with soap in your eyes. To be honest I think that alone qualifies us for any job on the planet. Can you settle petty disagreements about who is the fastest runner in their new sneakers with soap in your eyes? Yes! Welcome to the oval office Madam President. 🙂

Until next time.