It’s that time of year again, you know the pumpkins, the candy, the festivities and me shitting my pants anytime a horror movie commercial comes on tv. I absolutely hate this time of year. I do not like to be scared. No surprises, please! I am a big scaredy cat and have been since I was a small child.

My first ever horror movie was “The Wizard of Oz”. When that witch showed up on-screen I flew out of my seat and ran to sit with my mom and to cover my eyes with her hand. (spoiler alert….the witch shows up on a bike. This is before Oz and color and munchkin land) The bitchy neighbor lady shows up and threatens Toto and I am very distrustful of anyone who would willingly harm a dog. I mean I don’t know what Dorothy did to piss her off but you leave Toto out of it. Then the witch who was horrifying had flying fucking monkeys that could make me piss my pants even thinking about it. Those things were made in a laboratory of poor choices and bad science. Oh Goodness those flying monkeys would show up and swipe away anyone who wasn’t looking and I was certain that I was going to be next. Could you imagine one of those fuckers grabbing you and off you go to the green witch’s lair. Holy shit, Not for me! Nope, I’ll pass. I am going to do what ever that witch suggested. I am no hero!

Another Horror movie was Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. NO it isn’t about how offensive everyone is to Rudolph, in fact I didn’t pick up on that until I became a mom. It was that fucking abominable Snowman. He terrified me. I would flee from my seat into my mother’s lap and cover my eyes with her hand. Then we find out that he just needed a good dentist or something and we are all….of course…rotting teeth hurt.

Another one was Rudolph with the baby new year with the big ears. That stupid buzzard haunted my dreams, Eon I think his name was and he wanted to snuff out the poor little baby with the enormous ears. I mean what demented person came up with these specials. “You know what gets everyone in the Christmas spirit?” Apparently it is a good soiling of ones pants from sheer terror. No Christmas is complete without it.

As I got older my brothers rented the Exorcist and even though I have never actually seen it, this is the movie that haunted my days and especially my nights up until I was an adult. Again I had nightmares from simple, regular movies or specials, do you remember the Great Gazoo from the Flintstones…I had nightmares of that little fucker dancing on my pillow. ET when Elliot made friends with him? I refused to eat Reese’s pieces after that, I didn’t want to risk aliens following me. Any ghost on Scooby-doo….I know it was Mr. Wickles, but fuck me why do you gotta go around scaring everybody like that, with your glow in the dark footprints and your special effects that look so real? Hell even those two old bastards that heckled the muppets scared me. My goodness can’t y’all just watch the show and be nice?

Yes the Exorcist was truly a movie that my pure heart could not take and there were the screams and that musical score that I will never ever be able to get out of my head. The pea soup that I accidentally saw because I ran to the bathroom and I couldn’t help myself but look at the screen. Oh God, I never in my life at pea soup because of that movie. I don’t even know what it tastes like, I don’t want to risk the satanic possession that comes with it. I’ll have the pea soup but hold the demons please, I am watching my weight!

Remember Fantasy Island that came on right after Love Boat. I always watched because of the hope that it wouldn’t be too scary and then afterward I would sing the Love Boat theme song to settle my nerves. I think it is in the bible that if you are singing of love no bad thing will ever happen to you. One particular episode fucked me up real bad, it involved a murderous dummy. I used to love dolls until that. After that episode I was all like Barbie you can no longer live here. You can sleep in the basement…and then I would lock the door for good measure.

My husband loves horror movies and I am pretty certain that if we went through some dating app it would be like “Nope not him, never him…she is too innocent for his horror loving ways.” But unfortunately we met at a keg party and welp there was no swipe left there. So he took me to see “Silence of the Lambs” for one of our first dates. I made him drive home with the lights on in his truck.

Horror movies have gotten substantially worse, or at least their trailers have. I haven’t actually seen any so I don’t really know. But things like “The Purge” and “It” I mean I know that “It” was a remake but seriously killer clowns….I’m assuming because I don’t really know…that is terrifying. And a night where killing people is allowed, no thank you, please! No I will not watch any of these movies, ever, probably!

I did watch “Sixth Sense” in installments and through my husband’s fingers because he has taken over hiding my face for my mother. I have gotten through Jurassic Park, also through his fingers. I even watched nightmare on Elm Street and let me tell you that I was not sleeping great after that. I am not a horror movie lover at all. This time of year all of the trailers come on and I am sitting at home all alone and I am all NOPE, NOPE, NOPE! Oddly enough I do like to watch those ghost hunting shows. Those sooth me because mostly they are like “Oh it’s the wind and this creeky door. The attic has birds!” or “There is a small boy trying to communicate on this piece of equipment!” then I turn it off and watch something super innocent like “Cloudy with a chance of meatballs” for the dogs and cats of course. Poor little animals will get so scared from that show I was watching. LOL!

Moral of my story: I am a huge chicken and Halloween is not my favorite. I get through it every year and every year I am all, that wasn’t so bad. My friends go to the haunted Pennhurst Asylum and I honestly do not know how they get through it. I would die. Then I would probably not know that I died and accidentally haunt people. I don’t go for you! I would not want to accidentally haunt you! I’m nice like that.