When I found out that I was going to be a mother, I was so excited and very nervous. I wanted to be the best mother that I could be. I was a psychology student and I studied all about early childhood development, so I felt that I had at least some idea as to what to do. Of course I lacked any confidence that I could actually do any of it, but I was like I am going to try to follow the recipe in these books and I am going to see what kind of cookies come out. In theory I was ready…..in the first two trimesters I was ready. The last trimester I was sitting on the couch, a roadside find that my husband came home with, that’s a whole story in and of itself. Let’s just say for a time my husband’s favorite store to shop was “the fucking side of the road”. We were poor and it was fine. Any way I was sitting on our lice infested couch (which apparently is the only reason I think couches are thrown away, this and hats) and I looked at him and said “I have changed my mind I don’t want to have a baby.”

MY husband looks at me and was baffled because we just bought things for the child and he’s pretty certain that is a guarantee that you are having this baby because he just spent money on it. He talks me off of my “This fucking creature is going to tear my hoochie to bits” ledge and I sit there and think “Yes! Yes! My baby is not going to be a vagina tearing monster. My baby is going to be polite and not want to disturb anyone. Excuse me, can I just get through here, I am trying to be born.”

Okay, now that the children have multiplied, much like the free couches in my home, I am like, sure parenting is going to be good. But in the fine print there is a clause and it states that you are also going to have to become different supernatural beings. Like the motherfucking tooth fairy. Me as a mother is a stretch. Me as a magical being that flits about in the middle of the night searching under pillows and standing on legos all the whilst finding teeth and leaving money and never disturbing my little sleeping cherubs….Not actually going to happen. I am not that graceful. I was a dancer and apparently that has tricked my brain into thinking that I am light on my feet. I am not. I am writing this with a broken toe complete with broken toe nail because I dropped a weight on my foot. So, no, I am more of the fairy godmother in Ella enchanted. That’s the type of tooth fairy I am. I am clumsy. I am forgetful and I am broke AF.

My oldest daughter had two rows of teeth surgically removed because her baby teeth didn’t fall out on their own. Nothing says braces quite like two rows of teeth. So when she lost her first teeth she was on the “goofy juice” and I didn’t even have to pretend. I was like “Hey the tooth fairy came and brought you flowers and balloons and money!”

Also I am not great when it comes to how much things cost. I was like “I got a quarter or a dime or a coupon for McDonald’s for my teeth, so add in inflation and she just had four teeth pulled at once, so what? Like forty dollars?”

So there my daughter is with her loopy look and being handed two twenty-dollar bills. I am so proud of myself because this tooth fairy is a badass mother! However, I have three kids and apparently ever other week they are going to be losing teeth. I am all tired and shit and forgetful and broke.

After a while my kids were like “this tooth fairy is always on vacation. Does she ever work?” And here’s the thing about kids, they talk to other kids, about the tooth fairy. Oh my fucking word don’t you assholes have anything better to talk about other than how your mother is failing at her other identities? I mean I hear you,  little Suzy says that her toothfairy gave her a special pillow and is on time with her payments….meanwhile your toothfairy has been sent to collections more times than not. Your tooth fairy is a little bit of a hot mess. That’s how it goes sometimes. Sometimes you get the ghetto tooth fairy.

Me as the tooth fairy: *two weeks after the tooth had been sitting under my child’s pillow! To husband “Do you have any cash on you?”

husband “For what?”

“For the tooth fairy!”

H: “Nah all I got is a twenty-dollar bill.”

“Give it to me!” I demand like some kind of pimp

H: “What? No that’s way too much for the tooth fairy.”

“I don’t care! That tooth has been sitting under her pillow for a month. I keep forgetting.”

H: “You are not going to give her twenty dollars for her tooth.”

“Fine!”

*sits down and writes out a fancy I Owe You document with calligraphy. I sneak upstairs and crack the door open and wait to see if the child is really asleep. I then crawl into the room because of the Lego incident of 1999 where I shouted “You son of a bitch!” I get close to her bed and watch to see if my presence wakes her. I then fish around under her pillow while watching her head bob up and down. I finally find the tissue that she has wrapped her tooth in. I snatch it and then I carefully place the I owe you in its place. I sneak back out of her room and look at the tissue. Oh Fucking great! It’s just a snot rag. No tooth, just crusty old tissues. I then sneak back in and gently roll the child off of the pillow and lift the pillow up. There are sixteen tissues in there. What do I do? Am I supposed to look through all of these snot crusted kleenex until I find the right one? Do I put the disgusting booger keepers back under her pillow? Do I leave screaming and asking my husband for one of those “Silkwood” scrub downs? For the love of all that is Holy, what is my course of action here? I grab all of the tissues to do the most disgusting detective work ever in my life. (to be fair my children have never swallowed anything of value, so that would have topped this ten fold. I’m sorry but I don’t really care how valuable it is….I would simply just be like it’s gone forever. But I guess it is more about the child’s health than the item. But this isn’t about health, this is about some asshole parent that couldn’t deal with the fact that their child had loose teeth and was all like “But there is a fairy that will visit you!”

first child ever to lose teeth “So?”

“And she comes at night!”

child not falling the parental bullshit “I don’t care!”

“And she brings money!”

Apparently Scrooge was the first child ever to lose a tooth: “How much money?”

Now I am searching through diseased paper products for my child’s tooth and meanwhile the only thing I left for the poor dear is a promise that money is coming soon. It is the tooth fairy version of “the check is in the mail!” But with rainbow colors because she’s a fairy. DO NOT TRY THIS WITH THE ELECTRIC COMPANY THEY DON’T CARE HOW COLORFUL IT IS WHEN YOU ARE SAYING YOU CAN’T PAY YOUR BILL. THEY DON’T JUST GIVE YOU STROBE LIGHTS IN RETURN. THEY JUST TURN OFF YOUR ELECTRICITY. I heard from a friend. *insert sheepish grin here

After searching each gross tissue I find no tooth. Where the hell is it? I take the stash of tissues and go back in to put them under her pillow because I am not sure if she would notice her snot collection was missing. I then look under the bed with a flashlight and the horrors I find under there is enough to make even the most hardy of parents faint. I am more delicate and I am now like “Is this child sick with typhoid? why does she have so many tissues under her bed? Also what is going on in my life where I haven’t noticed her clear and ever-growing snot problem?”

I never find the tooth and I threw away her tissues. And I remind myself to never ask if she is digging for gold when she is picking her nose. I may have given her false hope. Also I doubt people would ever wear a gold ring if it was mined out of someone’s nose. I mean we aren’t making kidney stone engagement rings. But then again we do wear pearls…so I digress.

The next morning my daughter climbs out of bed and she is all smiles. “The tooth fairy came and she left me a note AND my tooth.” She shows me the tooth and that’s right she lost it at school it was in a fancy plastic jewelry box thing.

Memo to me stop looking through those disgusting kleenex. This is a fancy “at school tooth” and I just have to look for the plastic thing on a string. Also go to the store and get some cash. This tooth fairy is the worst.

Moral of my story: When your children are tooth loosing age keep some small bills on hand at all times. Also go make one of those fancy tooth pillows so that you aren’t risking getting the plague while rummaging through snot infested tissues. Also keep a walking path free of debris so that you don’t wake your child up by whiper-yelling obscenities. (My children believed that there was another cursing fairy that was sort of the bouncer for the tooth fairy, because that’s what I told them “Oh that must have been her security detail, she probably needs that because she travels with cash.”) Also if there is someone writing a parenting book put in a few chapters about how to be magical beings that extract teeth beneath pillows at night. Santa is easy because there is a tree in the formal living space…..Oh my Gosh I have solved all of our problems folks “missing tooth tree” Trademarked……do not be stealing all of my good ideas guys.

Until next time 🙂