When I heard that “Dad Bod” was a thing that women desired in their men, I was like “What kind of fuckery is this?” because I am resentful like that. Other steaming thoughts followed like “I’m sorry did you wreck your body by housing a tiny human for nine months and had it vacate through your vagina….or in my case surgical removal from an infant size hole in your abdomen that both ruined any aesthetically pleasing visual effects and any chance of having control of all muscles in your abdomen for a year?” Like what the hell is causing this “Dad bod” anyway?

Sure Dad’s work hard and some even stay at home with the kids and whatever….but Dad bod isn’t a thing. It has no real effects on your actual body. You may have carried some sympathy weight. You may have given up on working out and eating healthy. Some of these “Dad bod” guys don’t even have children, just to let you know how easy it is to achieve “Dad bod”.

Mom bod has got to start catching on. Women should be celebrated for bringing these little humans into the world. Women deal with the original conundrum when they are first pregnant. “I hope people know that I am pregnant and not just gaining weight.” menopausal women feel the same way…..”I hope they think I’m just pregnant and not just eating my feelings!” (because a woman gaining weight is the ultimate evil….right? WRONG!!!!! All women should feel proud of themselves.)

“I hope that I can start to wear maternity clothes so people understand that this extra forty pounds is actually from my superhuman powers of creating life!”

Then you go to the maternity clothes store and you think “First of all why are they so expensive? I am only wearing these fuckers for a few months?” (little do you know that you will be wearing these hideous garments long after the baby is born because they are super comfortable and make you feel thin)

Also you think “who is designing these ugly creations? I mean I’m pregnant not going to have tea with the Queen. Why are there so many bows and flowers and let me preface this, no woman should be both pregnant and wearing stripes, ever. Unless she is the hamburgular’s wife.” (times have changed so I hear that maternity wear has stepped up it’s game and made things better. I was pregnant in the 90’s I had one outfit that made me look like I joined the navy! I had another sweat suit outfit that I wore all the way until my delivery and it was too tight that day…. A sweat suit made for maternity purposes should never get too tight….just to let you know…make that shit out of balloon material or whatever, but no woman should have this insecurity put on her ever. My husband still laughs about it. Yes he’s still alive, but he is hanging by a thread.)

Once you start to really show and you are clearly pregnant, which is what you were hoping for because of the maternity wear which you have found out is both too expensive and also unsightly, but now you can’t put your shoes on comfortably. Or even see your feet. Or get up from a seated position. Or sleep. Or walk. And even though this is what you wanted, it is so uncomfortable you sort of wished you could go back to people thinking you were just eating too much ice cream. I also was the type of woman who swelled everywhere. “I know you are having a baby but are your face and feet also pregnant or….?”

I had preeclampsia and so then I was put on bed rest. You know what is really great for your physique? Bed rest while pregnant with unhealthy cravings like “nachos” and my cravings were super specific I wanted nachos but they had to be from a certain restaurant. My first pregnancy was brought to you by “Uno’s.” My second pregnancy was brought to you by “Raw vegetables”. My third was brought to you by “Ben and Jerry’s” I’m sure all of these places were like “Wow what happened?” when I finally had the child and could no longer look at the foods I once craved. I’m sorry your earnings went down. But royalties would be super great if you are up to it.

Morning sickness is another great invention of pregnancy. Guys have no idea. They think its like being hung over. It’s not, it really isn’t. It’s more like having a carnivorous monster inside of you that wants to eat right now and that window is closing ever so quickly….”FEED ME NOW OR YOU WILL…..TOOO LATE!” now you won’t be able to keep anything down for four to nine months and you only have yourself to blame…but definitely blame the father!

Oh and the heightened sense of smell is great. “Oh did you get a new deodorant? Because its odor makes me want to vomit.” Cake made me nauseous with all three pregnancies. Fucking cake. If I smelled that sickeningly sweet vanilla frosting I had to leave. Cake! What did cake ever do to you, you tiny little tyrant?

If you rub cocoa butter and vitamin E oil on your body until you are slippery and actually fall out of bed on several occasions…pregnant and turtled on your back…you won’t get stretch marks….maybe! I greased myself up so well that I should have been guaranteed to not have one stretch mark. I have stretch marks on my calves!!!!!!!!!! I have them on my stomach, hips, thighs and my motherfucking calves! Are you kidding me? Really? Good thing board shorts and those swim costumes from the 1800s are in fashion.

My belly button used to be so cute and sexy. Now it looks like a lazy eye! You don’t know who it’s looking at. It’s sort of winking but in more of a ‘I’m having a stroke’ sort of way. The extra skin becomes a flap over your pubic area that you have to lift to wash AND tuck into your underwear and bathing suit to look like an actual human being.

The boobs that grew and shrunk and filled with milk and leaked whenever someone cried……they ain’t great!!!! I mean after a while all you do with them is bring them to their own special doctor to have them squished and prodded and checked for cancer. I mean we can’t keep abusing them like this and expect them to look good. When I jump I sound like I am clapping. Giving myself a round of applause for having the energy to actually jump, I suppose.

The tireless nights nursing and singing and reading and changing diapers and getting vomited on. Sure maybe the dad joins in once in a while. I am not trying to be hard on Dads I’m really not. But here is the thing….a dad feeds his child lunch and he gets admiring looks and applause…even if it was fruit loops served with non-fat dairy creamer and at 4:00pm. A woman gives her child lunch and we get “You’re suppose to Deborah, that’s your fucking job!” And God forbid it be lacking nutrition. “Did you just give your child a hotdog for lunch? WITH CHIPS?” You see Dads only have to show up to be considered a good father. They can gain weight, even if they don’t actually have children, and they say “Oh look at that handsome devil over there with the Dad bod! He is amazingly sexy. Just look at how good he is with his kids. It’s not his fault that one over there is drowning! Where is the mother? Is she sleeping while her child is drowning? Shameful lazy mother!”

Meanwhile we Moms go to the beach schlepping the diaper bag, the sand castle kits, the blankets, sunscreen, sandwiches, snacks (healthy of course), juice, water, the tent, and a million other things that we may need while we are there.  We change into our modest bathing suit tucking the skin flap in, making sure the boobs are snug, and can we get away with wearing tights at the beach? We usually can do some sort of control top Spanx situation but it’s the beach so it’s mostly you and your stretch marks hanging out there for the world to see. We get into our bathing suits knowing that there will be whispers. “Look at her stomach. Is her lazy eye of a belly button winking at me, no thank you ma’am! And why is she so sad and tired all of the time!”

You see maybe we can give some congratulations to these women too. Tell them how sexy they are because they are givers of life. Tell them that they look great! and leave it there, don’t preface it with “for having a baby” or “for your age” or even “for having stretch marks all the way down to your calves”!!!! Let’s celebrate these super heroes that get up in the middle of the night and pee for the thousandth time because someone used her bladder as a trampoline for nine months. Let’s make “mom bod” a really desirable thing. We owe it to ourselves! We did great things with this poor little body. We grew life and brought forth a miracle. Also seriously, why didn’t women want to wear those bathing costumes from the 1800s? They look super comfortable. I guess it may have been the fear of drowning! I mean they do not look easy to swim in. But I would take threat of drowning over disgusted glances any day. “I’m sorry my flap flop out while I was comatose on the beach…I’m exhausted and I normally wear spanx to hold that in. Oh shit, My child is drowning!”

Moral of my story: Let’s start giving women a break. Let them become secure in the fact that they are wonderful and beautiful the way they are. Give them props for those stretch marks and saggy boobs. We did it ladies! We created human beings. You are so lovely and beautiful and your winky lazy eye belly button is sexy as hell. Now go wear that bathing suit proudly and know that those little whispers are saying “Look at that hero….or dare I say Shero!” And as men have shown us, you don’t have to even have a child to have a sexy “Mom Bod”.

Until next time! 🙂