I apologize to my readers, I have not written in a while. First I want to let you all know that I had to say goodbye to my dog Princess. She lost her fight with Lymphoma. It was incredibly sad. We did what we could for her but, unfortunately it wasn’t enough. In my sadness I rush between two thoughts:

“She was irreplaceable and I am not sure if I am ready for another dog.”

And: I have been searching for a new puppy half-heartedly and yet I have a name picked out if my husband encourages me to go forward.

Now I know it sounds heartless to think of getting another puppy so soon after her passing, it’s not that I am trying to replace her. I know that the Princess sized hole in my heart will never truly be filled. However, I have another dog and she is visibly grieving and I don’t know how to make that better either. This other dog is a black lab-australian shepherd mix and she is afraid to go outside by herself now. There are moments when she sits where Princess used to sleep and she will whine. She is so incredibly sad and it breaks my heart even more. The funny thing is that they were like sisters….like they would have knock-down drag outs over food and toys and then they would run outside and play together, like it was no big deal.

Princess was a west highland white terrier and she would get body clipped to keep her hair looking neat and tidy. During the winter months she would be cold, so we bought her  a sweater to keep her warm. It was precious and I appreciated a pup that  would allow me to dress her up. One day, the other dog must have got jealous or something because I looked up and she was dragging Princess across the yard by her sweater. (I know that they are dogs and dogs don’t necessarily behave like humans but it reminded me of the one time in high school when some sisters were fighting over a shirt and one of them was trying to remove the beloved shirt off of the other, not so beloved, sister’s body) I yelled out to my dogs and they both got up and appeared to be happy. They ran over to me and everyone was cool.

Later Princess came inside sans sweater and I found it buried in the backyard. I figured that perhaps another approach to keep Princess warm. I bought them both coats…that look like horse blankets. They both wore their coats and were happy. It really was like having fighting teenage girls in the house. The funny thing was I had teenage girls in the house but they didn’t fight over clothes at all. In fact my youngest went and got her driver’s license picture taken with her older sister’s shirt on. My oldest was away at college and when I pointed it out to my youngest, she and I both laughed. My oldest thought it was funny too. My daughters didn’t fight over food and clothes but my dog daughters did.

Now the black pooch is depressed and I think maybe she would like a baby brother. Like they probably wouldn’t fight over clothes at least, right? Or maybe I should let the dust settle and enjoy the fact that no one is fighting right now. It’s not like they always would fight, most of the time they enjoyed each other’s company. They would run outside to bark at birds and squirrels and bunnies. One would run out barking at something and the other one would try to follow but had no idea what they were so angry about.

Princess would be out there barking “You get out of our yard you stupid fucking squirrel!”

and the other one would be all “This leaf. No! This shadow. No! Over here this other leaf is making me so angry I think I’ll pee on it and that will be better.”

My poor dog now has very little reason to go outside and she refuses to go outside after dark. She is lonely. I even saw her licking one of the cats….so clearly, she’s desperate. That’s why I am thinking of getting a new dog.

The downside to all of this is I miss Princess and she will never be replaced. She was a good dog to have around when you were sad…or afraid to go outside at night in the dark. Yes, I too have this fear. When my youngest had dance class and I had to go pick her up, I would bring Princess with me. She would leave her little nose prints on the window in my car. She knew the rules to riding in the car and we knew to lock the power windows because she had learned to roll them down herself.

She was fearless and feisty. She was precious and beautiful. She was a companion that I would have with me when I would pick up the kids at school. She was excellent to take for walks. She once was even a part of my youngest daughter’s costume for Halloween. My youngest was Dorothy and Princess was Toto. No, Princess can never be replaced, she meant a lot to us all. Everyone in my home is in mourning for this little girl. We just have to get through it. We just have to remember her and love her and when it is time we will simply let the pain go and only have cherished memories.

But don’t be surprised if the next installment of my blog is named: Life with a new puppy!

Moral of my story: Princess can never be replaced and I am thankful for the time I got to have with her. She was really a precious companion and I miss her dearly. I still have her nose prints on my window and every time I go out to wash them off I can’t do it. I haven’t been able to muster the courage to completely say goodbye yet.