As a stay at home mom whose husband travels for work, it is my duty to make my children feel safe. I am not a brave woman, but I can fake brave from time to time. I really allow my imagination to run wild and I have tried to get some control over that. My absolute favorite time of the year is fall because the air is crisp and clean. I love to wear sweaters and jeans and boots. I mean fall is just a good time for me. But with all the pumpkin spice latte and apple crisp and roast pork comes Halloween. Stupid Halloween with its evil magic to ruin my favorite time of year. Oh lets blast horror movie commercials all over the television and radio. Let’s put stupid Halloween decorations that scream in horror as you walk by in stores. I mean seriously, are you trying to kill me with an absolute heart attack.
So I am sitting with my kids and they have decided that they want to watch Halloween specials on Disney. One of the movies this week is Hocus Pocus and my kids think it looks hilarious. I am like “Yeah, sure, let’s watch it!” because I don’t know what I am doing.
Okay, I am not trying to offend anyone here with my blog. But Hocus Pocus isn’t it supposed to be for children? I mean I get it, its Halloween and halloween is about getting a little scared, but come on, some people have to sleep alone. So I popped popcorn and get my kids all ready to watch their horror film thinking its a light comedy for kids with a halloween theme. And as we start watching it I feel myself getting more and more terrified. I look at my kids and they are all handling it okay. I on the other hand want them to suggest changing it. Like seriously I have to sleep alone, are we going to watch the whole thing? I sit there with my youngest in my lap, who is laughing and eating popcorn and enjoying this frightfest. My son and oldest daughter are glued to the tv and I am trying to think of things that aren’t ghastly. Like Unicorns and baby penguins and how about otters that hold hands while they sleep!
I see my reflection in the window and I jump because I thought it was a ghost or goblin looking in at me and the kids. I am scared out of my wits and “The love boat” isn’t on syndication anymore. Like if this is what’s on for kid shows then I am screwed for finding some nice calm, and maybe funny and silly with a little romance…you know like “The Love Boat” to watch after I tuck my kids into bed!!!! The horror movie of Hocus Pocus is all finished and my kids are all happy and laughing and talking about their favorite parts. I just want to yell “No more talking about that horrible movie. We may never speak of it again. Now how about koalas and baby monkeys adorable right?”
Instead I have to be the grown up and I am like “Oh yes, that was a delightful little film, wasn’t it pets? Now we shan’t get to bed too late, we wouldn’t want to be late arising for school in the morning!” because when I am a grown up I apparently am British or proper because I am not sure if this is British or if I am just being a stereotypical ass.
I get the kids all into their pajamas and read them a story and I chose Winnie the Pooh to calm my nerves. I get the kids all tucked into bed. I go downstairs and my dog starts growling at the back door. I look outside and I see something red running through my vegetable garden. My dog begins to bark and starts to scratch at the door. Now I am forced with the decision do I let my dog out to scare whoever it is that is in my garden away, all the while risking the chance that it is some supernatural being that I will then be forced to face, or do I just ignore it and turn off the lights and hope for the best. But my dog is not ignoring it and he is ready to tear somebody’s head off. I don’t want him to wake up the kids so I open the back door and hope for the best. I watch my dog and he tears straight over to the “Demon”, I suppose, because what else wears red??? He is over by the demon and clearly the demon has turned him because there is my now possessed dog wagging his tail and sitting at the feet of this horrible creature.
Now I am unsure if I can trust my dog. He turned pretty quickly. Has he been working with Satan this whole time? Have I been stupid by trusting his adorable golden face with black nose, golden brown eyes and big pink tongue. Is he a demonic spy that is living in my house? Why didn’t I see it? I mean nothing is that cute. It starts to make sense. I see my dog and the red demon coming toward my door and I am certain that I have to fight this thing. Where is my bible? What passage should I use? “Get away from me demon!” seems like a good one. I am standing back away from the door and I see the traitor dog and the red demon approaching my deck and I as ready as I will ever be, get in my demonic fighting power stance . My dog’s eyes look haunting as they glow in the dark. I am ready and unwilling. I am going to do this. I see the red demon trying to coax my dog to leave his side. Perhaps the demon doesn’t realize that I am already onto their plan. I know you are working together demon and I am not falling for it.
The demon is trying to shoo the possessed dog away. Well that’s what you get when you possess a dog, they are very loyal you know. Especially my golden retriever, he is very loyal, unless you count right now when it has occurred to me that he has been a horrible demonic traitor. I am waiting with my phrase and I am trying to tap into my good pal Jesus to come to my side. “Be my sword and my shield,” I will Jesus to take form right there in my kitchen. That’s when I see the demon slump his shoulders and come forward with the golden spy heading toward my back door. The red is coming closer to my house and I am going to just panic. I see the bodies of the demon and the dog come up to the deck stairs and I just know that I am going to faint. There I am in my pajamas just about to have a heart attack when the demon bangs on the glass door.
I look up in horror
…..and there is my neighbor’s teenage son. He waves and smiles. I look at myself and check that I am appropriately dressed. Yup I am wearing what my kids call my “suit-jamas” because they are all matchy and the top has a collar and buttons. I go over to the door and open it.
“Hi, miss Becki, we are playing capture the flag and your dog is giving me away.” He says.
“Oh, I’m sorry!” I say. I call my dog into the house. “Do you kids want a snack?” I ask.
So earlier that day, the neighborhood teenagers had come by and asked me if they could use our yard for their game of capture the flag. I gave them permission because these were good kids. I also think that it is good old fashion fun to play capture the flag in your neighborhood.
“Yeah sure, what do you got?” he asks.
“I just made brownies.” I did just make brownies with my youngest when she got home from preschool.
“Awesome, hold on a sec.” he says. He goes to the front door and yells out “Do you guys want brownies?”
“I want brownies!” a bodiless voice calls out.
“Me too!” another one
“That’s where you were!” another laughs.
“I want brownies!” disembodied voices coming from the top of my stairs. Three little cherubs out of bed wanting to get in on the excitement! I smile because my kids are adorable.
Before I know it I have a yard full of hungry teenagers. I send them out with brownies and I promise to try to keep the dog inside. I send the kids on their way to finish their game. I look at the clock and it’s ten thirty at night and I chuckle to myself because I thought it was late. To me and my small children it is late, to these teenagers the night is just getting started.
I let my kids each have a little bit of brownie and I get them to brush their teeth again and then back into bed.
Okay so if it hadn’t been for that terribly horrifying movie Hocus Pocus, I would probably handled that better. Maybe? Okay I would have forgotten that I promised the kids that they could use my yard. Whatever! The point of my story is that Hocus Pocus is really scary for a chicken shit mother like me.
Moral of my story: Hocus Pocus should come with a warning…not for the faint of heart. I haven’t seen this movie since that day. Maybe this year will be the year that I confront my Hocus Pocus fears and give it another shot. After all I am braver now, after almost being possessed by Wanda the maid in Virginia. I mean that has practically made me a legend. Also I fought that possessed doll in my closet…well that was a cat, but I was ready to fight that doll. And Other things…I mean I am brave now. I can do this. Also allow the neighborhood kids use your yard for capture the flag because they are awesome. Just make sure your dog knows that they are coming.