This is the last week before I move my youngest to college and I have been overwhelmed with emotions. I have decided to just purge a bit on my blog. I hope that this doesn’t come across as self-indulgent. Perhaps someone else out there is feeling it too. We can cry on each other’s shoulders….or laptops…or whatever, because I may touch someone whose shoulders may not be easily accessible. Oh well you get my drift. I am going to be sad and maybe you are too. We can do it together. I’m great to be in the trenches with…Not that I have ever actually been in trenches, but I have been in some miserable situations…. and because I get super uncomfortable with miserable I make inappropriate comments to lighten the mood. Such as “That guy just cheated on me. I can’t believe it!” Sobbing “I thought he was always looking for an applause…turns out he was just looking for the CLAP!” (inappropriate I know, but it made me laugh and that’s what I’m all about!)

OH Right I was talking about my child…Another thing about me being emotional, my mind wanders. If this blog sounds like a fever dream I apologize! I was going to bed last night and I started to drift asleep when I started to feel all alone. I have a fear of being alone so my adrenaline kicked in and I had all night now to feel lonely! Thank you body for doing this at a completely appropriate time. Why doesn’t my adrenaline ever kick in when I am working out and I could be like I ran three hundred miles today and it only  felt like two miles. Nope, instead it’s like I slept two hours last night and it feels like three hundred seconds because the sleep was interrupted by terrible nightmares. I did get some sleep and I drank a nice cup of coffee made with espresso that was freshly ground and so now I am ready to give you the unedited and overly caffeinated version of my emotional self. You’re so welcome!!!!

Where was I? Oh right, my nervous breakdown about moving my last child going to college in a week. I really am trying to be prepared emotionally. We have been preparing for this for over two years. We went to the college tours and she did her journey for juniors program. Just recently we have been shopping and picking out dorm things. She is fun to shop with because we are a lot alike. My oldest daughter keeps me in check and tells me to just get what we need. My son is all about being independent and he will just do it online. But my youngest is my shopping equal and if you don’t have one of these, then I truly feel sorry for you. She and I have contemplated having a “Shopping Vacation”. There is a mall near us called King of Prussia Mall and it is enormous and there are hotels nearby. My youngest and I have talked about staying in one of those hotels and shopping in a quarter of the mall one day at a time. We have never actually done this, because first of all we aren’t independently wealthy and, second of all, somethings are better as a dream. The reality of this vacation might actually be horrible and I don’t want to face that. She and I have been shopping for months now trying to get her prepared. In fact my office…which we call “The Dining Office” because it used to be our dining room (but we aren’t really dining room people) so after fifteen years we turned it into my office….is filled with boxes and bags of all of her things that we purchased for college. Preparing for her to go to college has been such a great time of she and I bonding. Now the reality is setting in and when the mess leaves so does my precious little girl.

She is ready and I know that. She is strong and capable. She has been building for this adventure her whole lifetime. I know that she is going to go there and crush it because that is who she is. I am certain that this experience for her will be amazing. She is going to grow and flourish and succeed. I try to tell her everyday that I believe this because I do. What I also say is I am going to miss her but I am only a phone call away. I am so glad for cell phones and FaceTime and Skype because it has the promise of reaching out and seeing each other and closing the gap. I am trying to remain positive for her. It is going to be amazing for her.

So since how I am so positive about her going to college, why the fuck am I having a panic attack at one in the morning? The truth is, I saw this coming when I gave birth to my first child. I said it to my husband when we brought my oldest home from the hospital I looked at him with flooding tears and I said “I will never be able to leave the house without thinking of my baby. It is going to be a lifetime of tethered love!” It was too much for me to bear at that time!

That’s how I feel. That’s what I felt last night. Tethered love and I get it, it’s so co-dependent. I don’t mean it that way. I mean as a mother we never actually stop thinking, feeling, loving and missing our children. We can never have a day off from truly thinking about them, Wanting what’s best for them! We are bonded. My children have rented space in my heart and my mind and I am not sure if they will ever truly leave. I am not trying to make it sound like a hostage situation…its just that I will never be able to leave them without thinking of them.

I am obviously going to do this because it is what is best and right and good. I will go up there and hug her and tell her how perfectly ready she is. I will let her know that there is no time that is too late or early to call or text. I will tell her the truth about herself even though she may not get it just yet…She is ready! She really is ready for this.

I will do it for her! Like everything else I have done for my children that has been unimaginable. I have always doubted myself as a human being and as an adult, but when it came to my children I have risen to every challenge thrown my way. My children are the only people who make me feel like a capable adult. My children have taught me so much about myself that I otherwise wouldn’t have known. I can do the unthinkable with them and for them and because of them. I guess I’m afraid that once they are out on their own I will never get to be that person again. So today I make them the promise that I am going to be that person that steps out of her comfort zone and takes on challenges. It is one of the very reasons I started this blog. So as much as I want to inspire people with my writing and my story and my crazy. I am doing this because it helps me face my fears and every day that I write my blog I am rising to the challenge once again.

My Goliath lives in my head and it is the giant that stands before me and prevents me from achieving my goals. My children helped me to see that Goliath is small enough to fit inside my head and that if I don’t feed him he goes away. My children are marvelous people and I am proud to know them. They are all strong and capable and successful. May they know that in many ways they are my heroes because they helped me defeat my Goliath. They helped me grow. I am forever thankful and humbled. I am their mother and it is an honor to be!

Moral of my story: I will be alright, it’s just change after all. Also if I have touched your heart at all with this or if you simply need to feel connected to someone, please reach out to me. I am here for you as I hope you will also be here for me!

 

 

 

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