I’m back and I thank you all for being patient with me. I have decided to tell my story of my trip so that you all feel like you didn’t miss a thing. First, as the title says, I am soon to be an empty-nester, which is the worst name ever. I am going to call it my second coming into adulthood, because I’m not sure the other one stuck. So to be a empty-nester you have to have the sad experience of moving your children away from home. My son has been living on his own for a while now. My oldest went to undergrad and then moved home for a couple years. Well, This past weekend we moved her half-way across the country…”but she’s only a text away!” I tell myself and her that several times on the trip out there.

It all started with the packing. She was in her room packing away and I just couldn’t. I would walk down the hall and I could feel the sobs and I was certain that it was the ugly cry kind. The kind that makes your face contort and your breathing is jagged and there may or may not be snot. I really didn’t want her to see me like that. I wanted it to be the nice controlled cry with the single tear down my face. You all know what I’m talking about. “The Indian cry” it’s a beautiful display of emotion. My was simply a display of body fluids and losing my shit! I just couldn’t have her remember her mom like that. When they remember me I want them to be all like “Mom was so beautiful!” like they do on movies. Yes I get most of my inspiration from the screen. And since I haven’t ever found those glass slippers and the magical animal army to do my cleaning, I’ve turned to more realistic things like this.

Now that she is all packed and I am able to control my emotions, we get on the road. The first stop to any road trip is always the gas station to get gas, coffee and snacks. As some of you know, I am on a diet. I really did start out with good intentions. I get wholesome snacks like raw almonds and chick peas. But somewhere around Indiana the wheels came off and I found myself with burger grease dripping down my chin. I then decide, well today is blown, I’m going to get an ice cream chaser. And by ice cream I mean a thing called ‘The Salted Caramel Concrete Mixer with peanut butter cups’ because I’m not great with self control so when I order ice cream I’m all like “Could you throw a bag of candy in there so I’m sure to puke later?” Now I have to sit with ice cream belly all the way to Minnesota. At dinner everyone, who didn’t over-eat…which was everyone but me, was like “We feel like Mexican!” I was all like “Is he a doctor, because I am pretty certain that I’ve broken my stomach open like a piñata complete with candy spilling out and a Mexican doctor could be what I need?” So we are sitting there in this restaurant and I think its a good idea for my daughter to eat at places that she will frequent regularly. The first thing they do is put the chips and salsa down. Now a smart person would know that their stomach is full and the salad should be what you eat and nothing else. I am not pretending to be a smart person because when there is chips in front of me with salsa I am going to eat them, ice cream belly or no! So then when they come to take our order I panic and get the first thing I see on the menu. The waiter looks at me and says “I will start with you miss!”

“Oh I will have this…” I say pointing down.

“The beef brisket tacos, excellent choice. They are my favorite.”

flash forward to me eating my tacos and they are his favorite because these fuckers clean out your nasal passages and your stomach lining. All that ice cream was burned up after my dinner that I had three bites of. The rest of the trip I stay on my diet because I was not feeling great that whole day. Never allow your feelings to order from the menu. Stupid yester-self showing up when I am week and vulnerable and ordering shit I can’t handle.

The next day we go out shopping for my daughter’s house and if you were at Target that day you may have heard this A LOT “Mom, I don’t need that, put that back!” Or “Mom, I live with two other people, we don’t have enough room for that!”

We get all the things that we need and go back to her house to build her things. I was asked to help her with the dresser. I was doing great until the top. So to set this up I will say that the dresser came with all of its pieces and only about eight percent of them are labeled the other ninety-two percent is up to my interpretation of what the picture looks like. The pictures are some crude cave man drawings and I am all like “Hieroglyphics was not my best subject.” But I am doing ok. Then there is the sack of screws and nails….yes nails. You have to dig into this sack to get the black screws or brown screws or the gold screws or the silver screws. They are color coded I think and I grab the black screws and start screwing the top together and they are NOT EASY to go in. I get all twelve screws screwed in and lift the top up to put on the dresser and it looks like Edward Scissor Screws….because the black screws come in three fucking different sizes. Why? Why, did you do this to me? Why not be specific in your directions and say something like “Hey dipshit there are three different black screws make sure you have the right ones.” I cry and get flustered and fire myself from any building jobs. My new self appointed job is to separate the screws, this is the type of demotion I can get behind. Which turns out was not an easy job because the two larger black screws were like an eighth of a difference. I see how I made this mistake and we all agree that it was an easy mistake to make. So now my daughter’s beautiful new dresser has lovely holes in the top and I spend the rest of my time there trying to figure out how to make it look better. I bought her two packs of coasters and she really only needed one so I suggest gluing coasters to the top of her dresser to cover the holes. She laughs and says she doesn’t mind the holes. Because, like her mother, she loves a good story, even if it ends with a piece of ruined furniture.

While we were there we met one of her roommates. She is awesome and I am instantly more comfortable with her living half way across the country. So we ask if she wants to come with us to dinner and she says yes. So, I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but I am not great at small talk. I say things that are completely over sharing, but don’t worry I ask things so that they can over share too. I realize that it’s inappropriate by the look on their faces. I don’t know if you know this look or not but its sort of an awkward silent look like “Holy Shit did she just ask me that?” I usually try to cover it up with a  laugh because sure I was totally joking and not making an ass out of myself.

It finally comes time to say goodbye and leave her on her own. It is both a sad and proud moment. She is going to school at a place where the M looks like she is attending Monster’s University and that makes me giggle. We are flying home during the eclipse and my youngest daughter texts me, because she knows me and my inner-child is more outward child, and it says “Don’t stare at the eclipse mom!” I really wasn’t going to stare I was just going to glimpse at it. Can’t I just peek a little? I promise not to. The problem with this is that I wait to simply peek and not at all stare at the eclipse and I am all ready for it. Then we get terrible turbulence and I am like does the eclipse cause turbulence because I don’t know what science happens with an eclipse. “Does an eclipse cause turbulence?” now trending on google. If you do google this please let me know what you find out because I’m too lazy to google this.

Things I’m not too lazy to google: What does a “Puggle” look like? And what would be a good name for one?

Beach houses for sale, in case I buy one someday

Name of that actor in the television show on thursday night

But one thing I did find out is NEVER google your test results and try to doctor yourself. Somethings are best a mystery until your doctor tells you. My doctor knows me so well that she tells me Not to do this. It goes for pets too.

My husband bumped his head on the plane…this turbulence is crazy. Thanks Eclipse for whatever black magic you got going on. Don’t hit his head we need that one to continue thinking properly. His noggin is important to our future prospects, I may be buying a beach house one day.

Well that was my first daughter moving. Next one moves in a couple of weeks. I am empty-nester light right now. I am trying to convince her to sit on my lap and  let me spoon feed her one last time. But she is not a willing participant in my nervous breakdown. So I may have to go buy another Furby or dress my cats up in dresses…Not you NuNU you are getting a tux and a top hat because you are a debonair man that’s why.

Moral of my story: When traveling make good food choices because sitting in a car for eight hours with ice cream belly is absolute hell. Also when building any kind of furniture separate the screws and get to know them intimately, give them names if you have to, because those Edward Scissor Screws were assholes and ruined a perfectly good dresser. Also flying during an eclipse gives you no advantage….we didn’t see a damn thing and we had turbulence which may or may not have been caused by the eclipse, you’ll get back to me on that one, right?

Until next time 🙂

p.s. School started for me this week so I am going to try to blog regularly, I will try to get a rhythm going for you. Just in case you want to know more about my life! 😉



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